


Epiphany

by Pathryn34



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, He/him Cas, M/M, Other, The Empty, they/them cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 21:48:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28945425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pathryn34/pseuds/Pathryn34
Summary: Part of the “After and Yet Before” Universe about Cas’ time in the Empty.
Relationships: Castiel/Sam Winchester, Sam Winchester/ Castiel
Kudos: 5





	Epiphany

The euphoria Castiel had made himself feel evaporated as soon as he found himself in the Empty. 

“Wow, G-O-D really did a number on you,” came the snide comment in Meg’s voice from the Empty. 

Ignoring its comment, Cas boldly declared, “well, you got me here. Shall we start the torture?”

“Before what just happened, I would have been eager to make you hurt. But now? I don’t need to. You’ll take care of that once you realize…. Besides, I’ve got Death to have a discussion with.”

“Realize what?” Cas asked. 

“Your regrets, especially… your biggest regret. But don’t worry. This place will help you learn what that is.”

With that the Empty vanished, leaving Cas alone surrounded by nothingness. 

Cas bravado vanished as quickly as his euphoria had now that he no longer had an enemy to face. 

And that’s when the memories hit. 

Sam’s tear filled eyes fighting to be strong. Crying for someone … not Cas. 

He hadn’t said goodbye. And now he never would be able to. 

Sam would never know …

The memories assaulted his head with a ferocity that left Cas crumpled in pain … 

He saw the conversation he just had with Dean, but as from an outside perspective. He didn’t recognize his own face… his voice.. even his words sounded strange.. twisted. And Dean’s stoic face .. 

The scene changed to God looking right at him, telling him to do what he’s told. 

Then to the fight between Sam and Dean, Dean enthralled by Chuck so intensely, he even pulled a gun on Sam. Sam breaking through and defying Chuck once again. 

Sam willingly going into Death’s library, alone, to save Jack. 

Sam distraught over not finding a way. 

Sam calling him home. 

Dean thinking that Jack’s death was the only way.

Cas talking about his family giving him purpose. 

Sam telling him he believed he could help. 

Dean wanting to immediately leave after Cas had been away… 

Sam.. the way Sam said his name. The way .. 

Sam and Dean’s different response to Jack having his soul back. Sam’s immediate understanding.

Cas bubbling jealousy over Ruby. 

Sam embracing Jack. 

Sam saving him from the Mark. 

Dean crying. He had made Dean cry. 

Sam with .. her. 

Sam almost dying. Cas doing anything to save him. 

Cas knowing he couldn’t listen to Sam’s voice, begging him to come back. Without going back. 

The argument with Dean. 

Sam’s heartache at having to kill Rowena 

Cas feeing loss, clinging to Sam. Saving Sam. 

Dean’s coldness. Sam’s understanding. 

The memories sped up now. 

Mary’s death. 

Sam on top of him. 

Sam married to someone else. But… inviting him. ..

Dean’s strength against Michael, but failing. 

Sam finding a way to save Jack.

The depth of Sam’s grief for Jack. 

Sam saving him from the demons. 

Sam dying. 

Cas coming back.

The memories came even faster.

Cas saying “I love you”

Dean calling him “brother.”

Cas breaking through possession by Lucifer to save Sam.

Sam inviting Cas into his bed.

Cas almost killing Dean before Sam saved them. 

Dean almost killing him.

Sam begging him to help save Dean. 

Saving Sam from Dean. 

Nothing is worth losing Sam. 

Dean kicking Cas out. 

Sam worried about him. Forgiving him. 

Cas almost beating Dean to death. 

Sam being what he needed. 

Sam showing him not to run. 

Dean’s guilt over Purgatory. 

The feel of Sam’s agony that he took on to pay for breaking Sam’s wall. 

Sam calling for Cas even after everything Cas did, saying he is one of them. Sam saving Cas from himself. 

Breaking Sam’s wall

Dean’s pain and rage at the betrayal 

The gut wrenching agony Cas had felt when Sam wondered if he brought him back soulless on purpose. 

The feel of Sam’s flayed soul. 

Betraying everyone. Betraying Sam and Dean. 

Something being wrong with Sam because he didn’t go straight to Dean. 

Sam sacrificing himself for the world. 

Sam believing in Dean and Dean proving him right. 

Fighting against Anna’s plan in order to keep Sam alive. 

Standing up to Lucifer for Sam. 

Sam being right about people making the right choice. 

Dean convincing Cas to get him to Sam to save the world. 

Sam and Dean trying to save the Novaks. 

Sam saving him from Alistair. 

Sam calling him “Cas.”

And then finally, the feel when Cas touched Sam’s outstretched hand. 

Cas gasped as a single realization struck him with incredible force. 

The memories stopped. 

Cas looked down at his still blood stained hand and remembered the handprint on Dean’s sleeve. 

That looked exactly the handprint left after God had commanded Castiel save Dean from Hell. 

No…. it couldn’t be. .. 

Could it? 

Before he could think on it much more … he heard Sam breathe his name … that prayer like way he always said it. .. filled with such awe… 

“Sam?” Cas cried out in the emptiness. 

“Cas.” It called back. 

“Sam…” 

Suddenly, a cosmic wave rippled through the Empty. Chuck was no longer in power. His influence at an end. 

And that’s when the epiphany cemented itself in Cas’s brain. 

“Oh no” Cas breathed aloud. 

“Oh, yes,” the Empty replied stepping into view, slowly clapping. 

“Sam… it was touching Sam that broke Heaven’s hold? But I thought …” But Cas stopped. Of course, that’s what Chuck wanted him to think. Especially at the end. He wanted Cas to die to save Dean to make Dean suffer. Even though Billie was dying. Even though Chuck would have surely brought Dean back to rub his nose in his failures. 

Cas, thinking he saved the day.. was just a pawn. 

And Sam … Sam would never know how much he meant to Cas. Even before Cas realized … 

More memories started to surface. 

Remembering laying beside Sam in bed as he so trustingly slept … 

While Cas had shameful thoughts he would never dare voice. 

Sam trusted him. He would never …

“I’m in love with Sam?” Cas furrowed his brow as he thought on it and it held true. 

“Yep. I can see why. He’s strong, smart… conniving. And he didn’t break when I tortured him. Just like you.” the Empty taunted. 

“You hurt Sam?” Cas raged. 

“Ah, that hit a nerve. Yes. Yes, I did. I made him hurt because I couldn’t kill him. You should have seen him gasping in pain.” The Empty’s eyes twinkled in sadistic glee. 

“You!” Cas ran at the Empty, wanting to make them pay. 

“Oh, if he could see you now. But he won’t. Not ever again. And he’ll never think he meant anything to you. He wasn’t even worth a goodbye. Enjoy that thought. The one whom broke you from Heaven’s grasp… will never know that he means anything to you.” With that parting shot, the Empty vanished. 

And Cas was left with that crippling pain. Sam who always made him feel … wanted, accepted, forgiven…loved ... would think he never mattered. Not even worth a goodbye. 

Cas was lost in the agony of that thought. Of never seeing Sam again. Or Jack. 

Something was wrong. This was when Jack appeared. When he had that thought. But nothing. No one. He was alone with his painful regret. 

“Sam,” he cried. 

“Cas?” Sam’s voice seemed to ring out of the Empty. 

No. He couldn’t be here, could he? That would mean… no. 

But if he was, Cas had to find him. To tell him. To be with him. For as long as Sam would have him. 

“Sam!” Cas screamed into the void. 

“Cas!” Came Sam’s voice, more urgent. 

“SAM! WHERE ARE YOU?!” Cas bellowed at the top of his lungs unable to locate the sound of that beloved voice. 

“Cas. Cas, I’m right here … Cas, wake up!” Sam’s voice sounded almost panicky and yet trying to soothe. 

It was then he felt two large comforting hands, one stroking Cas’ hair, the other on a cheek. 

Sam’s touch again was the key that broke them from the horrid nightmare memory. 

Cas’ eyes flicked open, adjusting to the low light of the room. Seeing the beloved silhouette, that beautiful hair. 

Cas reached out a hand run their fingers through the silken strands to have their hand gently brought to warm lips at their journey’s end. 

Sam. 

“Cas, are you okay?” Sam asked with loving concern. “You were screaming my name and thrashing. I was worried. That was more a night terror than a nightmare. I didn’t know what to do…” 

Cas pain melted as reality returned. Jack had rescued Cas. They had rebuilt Heaven together. And when Jack had gone on to restore creation, Cas had stayed behind in Heaven until Dean passed away. Then they went to Sam. 

And Sam wanted Cas, loved Cas, chose Cas. 

“I’m fine, Sam,” Cas reassured. “It’s probably just part of the pregnancy.”

Sam’s hand moved to gently caress Cas’ slighty rounded stomach. 

“I’m sorry having our baby is causing you pain. And is going to cause you more.” Sam apologized. 

Cas couldn’t help but realize yet again how much they loved Sam. But, Cas was afraid to say the words. Bad things always happened after they did. And Cas had so much to lose now. Too much. 

So instead Cas gently kissed Sam and said, “You’re worth it. You’re worth everything.”

Cas felt more than saw Sam’s smile. Then Cas snuggled into Sam’s warm bare chest, while Sam wrapped his arms around Cas. 

Feeling protected, loved, and having told Sam at least a bit what he meant to them, Cas soon drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> The pronoun change in my mind is what Cas would do, thus why I included it. 
> 
> This isn’t a fix it. Just a better understanding of my headcanon universe.


End file.
